Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Natural Born Stalker

I promise that my future posts won't all be about More to Love. Except for this one.

Cross my heart.

Hope to die.

Er, let's change that to "hope to dye." The former seems unnecessarily severe. It's just a blog.

Last night boyfriend and I settled in for a glorious night of slovenly watching the teevee. Boyfriend left work early and I joined soon thereafter, and not one minute after my foot crossed the threshold of his gadget infested man cave we had our bootleg season 2 of Battlestar Galactica up and running. Bliss.

As a side note, your sinful judgement of my sophisticated entertainment tastes is leaking through my monitor and beginning to corrode my keyboard. Battlestar Galactica and More to Love- think of it as diversity. PC TV.

After 3 captivating episodes of the aforementioned BG, we switched over to last nights second episode of MTL. It was the most deliciously engrossing train wreck of a deluded love story I have ever had the honor of bearing witness to. And I don't even care that I ended that sentence in a preposition. I'm willing to let the ghost of my 6th grade teacher, Mrs. Berrong, the same teacher who threatened to cut off a chunk of my sisters emo hair style during her "wall of bangs" phase, haunt my dreams tonight just to describe the twisted splendor of this show.

At this point in our big boned tale of love and loss, the contestants have presumably met Prince Charming ONE TIME. The girls are preparing to go on a split group date for their second opportunity to win over the boy wonder with their feminine wiles and curves of varying degrees, so naturally, here come the testimonials. There is one lucky lady in particular, Christian, who is convinced that the bachelor already loves her, and refers to his unwavering commitment with the same kind of ignorant passion and dewy romantic filth usually reserved for fairy tales and Disney movies. She waxes on about how he is the man her mother would pick for her, how he is so sweet and gentle with her, how he clearly respects and admires her pure heart and all other manner of deluded foolishness. I think she may have even uttered the word soulmate. Meanwhile, this guy is making out with 5 different girls all at once and 3 others are waiting in line behind them. Christian must have some kind of mental disconnect, because Mr. Right can't even muster up the gumption to kiss her on the mouth, and she thinks thats great! She fancies herself quite the alluring and mysterious tease. At one point she pauses in her litany of praise over his every quality, and he actually kinda halfway goes in for a real kiss as she just stares at him in bug eyed, fanatical admiration, but then he diverts mid-strike (you can almost hear him mentally say, "Nah") and plants an awkward cousinly peck juuuuust to the left of her lips, but nooooooot quite on her cheek.

She, of course, takes this as a sign of his gentlemanly charm, and continues to go on about how they were meant for each other, and that they have so much in common, and how she fits just perfectly in the crook of his shoulder, and how they will be so happy together forever once she can get rid of all those other evil bitches and lock him up in the cellar in her parents basement so she can have him all to herself where no one will ever be able to take him away from her. Not even a psychiatrist...or an excorsist...or a swat team. (pant, pant, pant) Just as the camera pans away, you catch the first fleeting glimpse of what ends up being near constant stalkerish adoration sweep across her face, and you just kind of know that underneath her pillow she's hidden a Luke replica doll made out of candy bar wrappers and a pair of dirty boxer briefs she stole out of her last crush's laundry hamper that night she crawled in his bedroom window to watch him sleep.

Anyway....I spent most of the show pacing in front of the tv like I was watching a sporting match, yelling at the girl who couldn't go 45 seconds without crying, cheering on the ballsy vixens going in for the kill, and literally whooping with delight when Bonnie, the edgy tattooed quick witted girl who proclaims to have the soul of a 50's housewife, said something clever. Boyfriend did his best to ignore me while balking at his temperamental computer and throwing out the occasional, "Wow, you must...uh...really be into this show, huh. Why don't you sit down, you're making me nervous."

As promised, that is all for my MTL synopsis. Until next week. Heh.


Ashley said...

SO TRUE SO TRUE!! I couldn't have said it better myself... quite literally... which is why I don't blog. But that's neither here nor there. Bravo indeed.

the Provident Woman said...

He's a keeper if he doesn't really care when you get that into tv. My husband is great at ignoring me and my yelling at the tv.

Conrad said...


Yes, we man creatures love and tolerate incessant yelling at the TV. However it should be considered that at times, some of us think of Fahrenheit 451 for just a moment......which leads us to thinking about how fire is cool. So it's a very brief lucid thought, but there nonetheless. =)